I'm Good Enough, I'm Smart Enough, and Doggonit, People Like Me

I work part-time at a fashionable clothing store.  Not at all a snotty nightmare of a boutique; we're completely approachable and pretty mainstream in popularity and style.  I always tell friends that you've never seen crazy until you work in retail - and especially so in clothing.  The general public is generally pretty nuts.

I helped a woman earlier tonight who went to great lengths to belittle herself.  Every statement out of her mouth was completely deprecating.  What was interesting about it, though, was that I hadn't formed an opinion about her at all.... until she started to tell me how much she disliked herself.  She said she used to be a size 4 and she hates herself for gaining weight up to a size 6 (who wouldn't love to be a size 6??) and then went on and on about how un-stylish she is, how she never takes care of herself, how she doesn't bother to wear makeup because it wouldn't help anyway, she never knows what to do with her hair, she's a single mom and can't find a good man, etc., etc.

In the end, I couldn't help myself.  I said "I can sell you this blouse, but what you really need is a good, healthy daily affirmation.  A new top won't fix your self-image."  I thought she'd be pissed but told me that's what her therapist had said, too.  I wanted her to leave as quickly as possible - I wanted her bad vibes as far away from me as she could get them.  But it got me thinking about how often I've probably done that in the past.  And about how much of what she said, what I've likely said myself, is so automated that she doesn't even realize how much toxic waste is coming out of her mouth.  It's like telling someone "Don't like me, and here are a bunch of reasons to back that up."  Ugh.  If I was a man on a date with that, I'd be running for the door, too.

At least the next time I'm tempted to be self-deprecating, I'll remember how completely unattractive it is and take a page from Stuart Smalley's book.

2011: Wishin' and Hopin'

Since last year was so rotten...  illness, job loss, let-downs, break-ups, old break-ups blissfully marrying, financial woes (see job loss) and a nearly crippling depression...

I have no choice but to make this year awesome.  I'm going to let all of the suckage that was 2010 stay there, locked up, key thrown away.

I am thankfully re-employed, although not necessarily at my dream job and certainly not at my dream salary, I do quite enjoy it.  I am hoping that I will find my groove there and grow to love it - certainly better than the alternative.  My health is on the ups thanks to my own determination to kick bad habits (watching TV on the couch with Ben & Jerry) and get back into the shape of my youth.  A sweet friend who is my accountability partner (I hate exercising) has the daunting task of keeping me motivated to work out when I would rather see what the Unreal Housewives are up to.

The old boyfriend who wed?  Who needs him?  I've allowed myself to move on and couldn't care less that he's done so as well.  Married friends with kids who treat me like a diseased orphan?  I had a heart-to-heart with the bestie about my feelings and discovered that not only did she know she was treating me like a leper, she didn't know how not to.  As her only single friend, she just doesn't know what she can talk to me about anymore and having been married for nearly a decade, she just doesn't remember what it was like to be a single working girl.  So, I'm just going to give that relationship room to change, too.  It will probably mean less time together but that will only free up more time for me to meet new people.

And on to meeting new people.  I've always been a francophile but I've never been to Paris, I haven't spoken French conversationally since high school and aside from fromage and champagne, my only exposure to the culture of la belle France is my on-again-off-again Parisian lover whom I only see once a year if I am lucky.  He came to visit me this past weekend and as much as I cherish our time together, I realized that I'm ready to move on.  Somehow over the years, I have created a sort of French god out of him and placed all of my romantic hopes and desires at the foot of the altar I created out of an idealized version of him.  I care about him immensely but I deserve better than waiting around for some man to get around to me when he can, I don't care how sexy his accent is.  But he did challenge me to pick my French back up and visit him in Paris so I have signed up for French classes beginning in March.  Who knows?  I may meet someone else to travel to Paris with.  Or I may never go.  I may find that my fancies lead me somewhere else in the in-between and I'll allow them the freedom to stray.

I'm not big on resolutions but I am a fan of reflection and refocusing.  So I'm getting 2011 and beyond into focus and moving on, gleaming whatever wisdom I can from 2010 and leaving the charred, unusable remnants in my wake.

2010 In Five Words

Worst Year of My Life.