I became a spinster almost 9 years ago when I surpassed the accepted "marriageable" age of 26. I became aware of my spinsterhood when I turned 30. I became acutely aware of it last year when my girlfriends started some sort of fertility pandemic and all became pregnant with their thirds. Uh, not to imply that babies are an infectious disease.I'm unofficially in my mid-thirties. In fact, I filled out an online form earlier this week for something-or-other and it truncated my selected age to the "late thirties" category. I think that's really harsh - I'm two months away from 35 and I hardly think it's fair to apply "34" to "late-thirties" but whatever.
Last week I visited one of my married girlfriends for the day. Actually, all but two of my girlfriends are married. And all but one of the marrieds have kids; the one that doesn't has two dogs, three cats, a bird and a very immature husband so we can really lump her in with the rest. So my girlfriend (who lives in a beautiful house on the lake) said she really envies how free I am. I keep hearing this. I don't get it. I saw no dungeon there. No chains. No gates keeping her in. What's the deal?
She misses being single. She misses taking off for the weekend with friends. Misses not having to make arrangements with babysitters, dog sitters, house sitters, etc. to be free and 'experience life' and stuff. But the thing is...I don't do that, either. My last spontaneous weekend road trip was in 2007. My last FUN weekend road trip was in 2006.
It got me thinking about how little marrieds know about singles. Or, at least how little my friends know about me. If she only knew how monotonous yet stressful my life is, she'd be thankful for her ball-and-chain (plus, her husband is adorable and super-sweet to her). And then it hit me: I realized she's not at all envious, she's "reverse-sour-graping" me! My spinstery life, my situation, makes her uncomfortable and she doesn't want to make me feel bad, so she makes her situation pale in comparison to my {{allegedly}} vibrant, swinging single life.
I thought if I actually detailed to my friends what my day-to-day routine (or rut, really) looks like, I'd lose 'em all! They'd be so disenchanted. Tuesday I watched 8 consecutive episodes of Law & Order SVU, then I baked a potato, made a cocktail and watched MORE TV. Not because I'm "free" or because I'm "so lucky" to have "so much time" but because I'm lazy, I'm in-between jobs and it was so much more appealing than sending out more résumés. There isn't anyone around (not even family) to keep me in check and it's not like my phone is ringing off the hook with potential employers or suitors these days.
But, yes, I am free to hop in the car and take a road trip this weekend. All by myself. With little money and no destination.
2 comments:
Hi again :-)
I don't think your married friend was "reverse-sour-graping" you- it's a "the grass is greener"-type of complaining that we, married folks, tend to do :-) My husband and I, we do it to friends who have one kid (we have 2), we do it to the DINK or to single friends- though in reality we're not complaining, we love married life and having our boys, but it just helps a little to let out some steam and dream of an alternative lifestyle- which we know we would hate anyway, now that we know what we know, and have what we have. It's a weird feeling, but it is like that...
Otherwise- I would do the TV marathon and staying-at-home thing if I had the house to myself, too- and not go out. Just having some peace and quiet, and being lazy- that would be great :-)
You know, we have some single friends and some divorced ones- but I don't think so much of their marital status- I don't envy them, I don't pitty them, I don't worry that they are alone or hope they'll find someone soon- cause being in a relationship is such a complicated thing- it's not about "finding someone" but about "making it work", and it will come, when it comes.
Being single is not like "Are you ill?Poor thing! Get well soon"- it's not something that happens to you, it's not a disease you can get and get rid of- and I don't think you should feel your married friends treat you like that.
Thanks Tina! Unfortunately, in many parts of the South and among some of my less-enlightened friends, being single is treated as an affliction.
The funny thing is that the more I think about it and write about it, the less I care about it. It also helps that I'm spending less and less time with those friends who think I have a relationship disease and more time with friends who are simply friends, stage-in-life not important. Much healthier.
And, as it turns out, you're totally right about the greener grass thing - she wasn't kidding at all. Things really aren't always as great as they seem. Kinda makes me grateful to be single!
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